I did not get off to a good start yesterday. I went to a department store in the city, a fairly well known Australian department store (no, not Target) in order to peruse a number of different collections all in one hit. I found the only two dresses in the entire store that were white and not completely hideous and ventured into the changing rooms.
One sexy little Sass and Bide number was whipped on and then directly off again at lightening speed due to it being wrong on so many levels. So that left one option, not the ideal dress I had in mind, but a very simple shift, a little bit chic, a little bit fun and a little bit sparkly, a little bit Hepburn and a LOT expensive.
Oh well, I'll give it a whirl, I thought. It was one of those zip down the side under the arm jobbies due to its lovely snug and shapely fit but lack of stretch. It slipped on nicely and once zipped up it looked 10 times better than it had on the rack, I was quite pleased and satisfied that I looked pretty good in it, but the stripes of sequins were not really doing it for me enough to shell out the cash there and then. I'll pop it back and keep it in mind as a last resort.
Now this was at about 4:10pm.
Fast forward to 4:12pm... Oh S#%@! How do you get it off?!
4:13... Sequins... falling... seams...popping....
4:16... OK, just keep cool... lets try another approach...
4:17... F*%$#! F&*^! SH#@! BOLL@KS!
4:18... Oh it's really hot and stuffy in here... arms are tired... perspiration forming...I feel faint...
4:19... Is that a sales person I hear out there?? PLEEEASE don't remember that I am in here... go away...GO AWAY!
4:19:30... Phew she's gone. Now if I can just wriggle the lining up a bit with my pinkie... while I dis...lo...cate... AAAAAAAAAAGHH... I am going to have to pay for it. Its the only way. Rip it off, confess, and part with lots of cash for nothing.
4:21... Text to the Boy Person: "Stuck in dress, send help"
4:21:15... Reply from Boy Person: " :D "
4:21:30 Thanks love. Really helpful.
4:23... Don't start crying, there must be a way, you got it on easily enough...
4:24... Wriggle... pant... squeeeeze... puff.... YES! OH THANK YOU GOD, ALLAH, ZEUS, MICK JAGGER, JOHNNY DEPP.... All you gods out there that I prayed to... Thank you.
4:24:30... Dress still OK, QUITE a few sequins on the floor though.
4:25... OMG! Who is that monster in the mirror?! I look like I've just had THE best shag of my life. SERIOUS bed hair, sweaty red face, boobs have escaped from bra in the struggle...
4:26... OK, dressed, hair brushed, face less red, make up smear on dress hidden.. Go go go!
4:28... I made it. I am free! Free from the dress, free from the store, free from buying the stupidest dress I have EVER had the misfortune to try on.
I mean really, that has to be a serious design flaw. I would just like to clarify here, that the dress was a lovely fit, it slipped on easily enough, it was NOT too small for me.
So why could I not get it off? I mean, there was no warning label "This dress requires a shoe horn and an assistant to help remove it in one piece" and I am sure it was from the 'Ready to wear' collection, not the 'Ready to wear... Once, and then cut it off with a pair of scissors' collection.
Or was it designed with the confidence that any woman who wore it would look SO good that as soon as she went out in it, men would immediately fall all over her, seduce her and then ultimately tear it off with their teeth?
Who knows. All I know is that it was the most terrifying fitting room experience of my life.
So my tip for you dear readers is this, if you see the dress below (under coat) on a rack anywhere... leave it there.
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Excellent post Aimee :)
ReplyDeleteWhen you said you could not get it off I took that as you liked it sooooo much you were going to wear it home
Hilarious!!! I have had swimsuit nightmares similar to this, generally involving over eager salepeople hovering outside while I hop frantically, trying to get the dam thing off while holding the curtain shut with one hand.
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